Inertia

 I  feel  irritable. I have moved myself the last two days meal prepping, doing some cleaning but didn't really go outside. It's Wintery weather but I could have gone for a short walk. It's more my tolerance for the mild bickering and unintentional  mansplaining. Really standard stuff but it feels a bit like Groundhog DayI'm sensitised to it at the moment. Mild jokes about things I'm self depreciative of are hitting nerves. I feel like a child, not in a rose-tinted way. It's because I'm stuck .Again.I've been occupying myself mentally but still feel as if I'm not fully grown. I don't know at what point that changes. Do people have a light bulb moment when they say'This is it? I'm finally an adult' before sliding back  into ' Second Childhood'  .

That what my Grandmother called old age, where you go back to saying precisely what you think, not eating things if you don't like them and telling people if you think they got fat. To their face. Or 'fuck off from me with that thing' when you win an unwanted raffle prize, making them give you a different one. My Grandmother didn't do that it was another lady now in her 90's. The fat thing, she definitely did that.

Maybe that's the stage I have to wait for. When you end up just being you and not worrying about keeping up any semblance of appearances. Then a feeling of anxiety creeps up when things become more difficult for you to do. My boyfriend was saying there a good chance my daughter will live long and have good health. They are pioneering new treatments to manage incurable diseases that people can live with for a long time. The new medication will improve the quality of life. I mean even now you see people well into their 90's in excellent health mentally and physically. Of course, genes play a part, but I think having an interest and being active every day make a huge difference.

I hope I will be one of those people. I dread the thought of being over dependent. The lack of privacy, loss of autonomy.Even though I'm really not being master of my own destiny anyway. I mean we all need help, even if not intellectually or physically disabled. It's the losing power of attorney over myself. Maybe If you get to that stage, you don't care. Perhaps I should just focus on making enough money to pay for everything I need. Then I can take care of a much as possible. I only have one child and I don't want it to be all on her. Sure even now my Mother jokes to her that she'll mind her when she's old. She's probably hedging her bets.S he always said the first child was the guinea pig and she wanted to keep her last baby young forever. I'm the eldest