Farmers

I bought 'The Cow book' as a Fathers Day present, well kind of. My Father is dead , it was for boyfriend who minds my daughter like his own. He's not a  reader but I thought he might appreciate the sentiment of it. He actually prefered the 'Who gives a crap toilet roll. Saving the World one toilet at a time and his bottle of whiskey. I'm reading it now. And I think I'm jelouse that he wrote a book about time on his parents farm. I grew up on a farm but could not write how he does about the life and death on it or the personality struggles between him and his family. I'm too guarded to be that honest and deal with the fall out.
He reminds of Penelope Trunks descriptions from her ex husbands farm. she talks of  'being shipped' or 'going to market' as being euphenusism for slaughter. And killing her cat as he kept eating the other cats food that was making him ill instead of the expensive medicated one they bought. He kept getting sicker so she decided it was better to euthanase him. Ditto with the goat that had feet problems which would take far too much mantainence and might still leave him lame.John states it clearly that they will all end up in the food chain. That is why there are so many cows , who knows they might even be extinct if we didn't breed and tend to them? They are an expensive pet as they require tonnes of feed , gallons of water ,dosing, tagging etc. In Ireland many do still get to graze the fields but quite alot are fed by zero graze. the grass is mown and lifted into the shed to the cows. The cows don't trample the grass and you don't have to walk the cows in to be milked.I do very little farm work . I used to stand in gaps etc whem moving animals . It can be stressfull, farmers are tense that they will break . If they do get past you it isn't fun trying to gather them again.
I have seen calves ad lambs beng born. Most alivea nd cesareans performed by the vet. I don't remeber being particulary squemish about it.

Idle musings

My daughter is funny. Not everyone gets to  see it as she can be reserved until she susses you out, will you give out or will you laugh? Todya my friend who she knows really well was annoying her about 'an electric skateboard' (hoverboard ) which she's saving for. He reckons the only real one was on 'Back to the Future '  an eighties movie she actually liked .She put her hand over his mouth and Ibsaid to her to let him breathe. She reckoned he could breathe through his nose, his mouth was only a design flaw.I'm not very religious but she did go to a primary school that tended towards Catholisism. They were asked to do drawings depicting the 10 Commandments. For 'Thou shallt not covet thy neighbours wife' she drew a man looking at a woman with a speach bubble saying 'Huba huba'. We probably watch too much American Tv

Earning and existing

More football this evening. I've never stood at pitches as long. I like alot of the people at matches just don't get the 'football fever' they seem to have. My daughter is able to play well but I  wouldn't care if she played badly once she was happy and had her friends. I used to know a guy that was absolutely unathletic and spent his time on the bench. He was obsessed with football and went off to every match and training delighted with himself even though he rarely got playing  time. Everyone would be so much happier of they were like him. We're all obsessed with results  not quite reaching  the level of America where second place is first loser. The process isn't valued -what if you like writing but write terribly should you stop?What if you come last in every race but love how you feel after running, should you go back to sitting on the couch? I find it best to pick your audience . Talk to only the ones who will not critisie your efforts. They don't need to cheerlead , they just need to not rain on your parade. You will do many things badly before you get to be competant. When you were learning how to walk it didn't bother you. Why does that change as we get older? When do we start to be self concious of everything and stop saying 'look at me' for the most inane things ? It's sad but some people do grow up doing what they loved as a child. The rest of us become convinced that our interests will never make us  money. Because money making is highly valued in our society , not so much caring roles or self sufficency. Don't get me wrong-I'm far from self suffiecient.
Without  support , materially and emotionally, I would not be in as stable  a position as I am. I'm not living in poverty nor in luxury. I have enough, more than enough by Third World standards . I don't have any debt-this is bad in some ways as I have no credit rating. I've had short term loans from family members wich I've paid back and spent all my savings before. I've had jobs since my early teens but a few personal issues set me back. I'm an eighties child. I didn't have  internet to online shop or a mobile phone until I was twenty. It wasn't even a smart one. My stream of income stopped for time. I had always saved some money and spent a bit at a time, lived at home without having to pay rent ot utilities.
My family were generous with birthday money, useful gifts and letting me stay in their houses on holidays. I did appreciate it but maybe didn't have the understanding that all families are not this generous or able to be.I didn't travel abroad until I was 20 or own a car until I was 25( this is when I learned to drive). I really didn't have to find a way to take care of all my own expenses ( and my daughters ) until I was in my early twenties. It's an intersting thing to have to think of everything. The fridge/freezer don't fill themselves, the electricity gets cut off if you don't pay the bill, clothes do not wash and dry themselves and you have to order the oil to heat the house or bring in the turf.I've made mistakes alright but have never been destitute. If you are that low it must be so hard to pull yourslef back up. Theres a few pages on FB about living on less than a £1  a day and saving money. Some of the posts are so sad-'I've x amount of money to do me until the end of the week . I only have 3 tins of tuna and a packet of pasta. What should I buy?
 They often get referred to foodbanks. It's sad we need these in the First World. In fairness I could never see something like this happening for me.I'm fortunate enough to have enough safety nets around me and options to access some money if I needed it.

Extending my comfort zone

Stuffed with a headcold, dreading and looking forward to a football festival thing my daughter got picked to go to. My daughter is going on the bus and I'm getting a lift I think or I may have to drive part of the way. thats stressing me. Especially if its not my car-only myself and my boyfriend are insured in that. I may have to add Lucie or she may have to add me. I've directios printed out plus with the Sat Nav we might have some clue If I could do the first part of the journey I mighn't be too bad. Its far outside my comfort zone. I don't like driving my old Toyoto through my local town on a busy day.I've no pints on my licence. Thats alot to do with me not driving too far.Ive been breathalysed once -i could have driven up through a village and avoided them but my NCT , tax, Insurance etc were up tp date and I was coming from an under 12's match so I didn't think it was a bad thing for my daughter to see.I hadn't been drinking and I knew the guard to see so it was fine.Its more anxiety of people judging me, of getting lost and stressed and people shouting , telling everyone about my fuck ups.My anxiety is about a thousand times better than it used to be though but it's still there and very real to me.

Learning

My 13 year olds newest obsession , ironing. A thing she has so rarely seen me do that my boyfriend took a photo to mark the occasion(yes the one occasion ). She is so much better at folding and hanging up laundry than I am.Well the items she cares about the rest is balled up in the corner of her room.She can't actually look a beds after I dress them. I'm a more 'done is better than perfect ' kind of person where as when she cares about a thing she can spend quite alot of time making it perfect. This attention to detail is great but can make her put alot of pressure on herself. When she was little she used to think you were supposed to get a 100% in tests not just do whatever you can to the best of your ability.I do have family members who will ask about the 1 question she got wrong instead of the 99 she got right.They are very good to her in alot of ways but can be unintentionally( and intentionally at times-nobody could be that oblivous) viciously critical.She does find school work easy enough as she can read well though. I can't imagine what its like for those that who have learning difficulties or are just not suited to a regular school environment. We need electricians, welders, carpenters, plumbers and builders not just engineers,business analysists or quantity surveyors. They are all valuable but we are currently experiencing a shotage of fixers and makers.There are supposed to be five styles of learning and its unfortunate if your style doesn't conform.

The mundane

In the hairdressers no,occasion just left it so long between appointments.Daughter at home.Didn't want to come with.In fairness it would have probably have been too long for her.I did suggest Quirkes newsagents ,strolling to her Nana at work and picking up some food she would like to eat but I think she enjoyed staying home watching her current obsession ,Hollyoaks or The World cup. Arrived back to all the furniture moved out and sitting room cleaned-only in the room she can watch tv in but still it does get the filthiest.A wedding and a funeral today, a little one in on her on her on her Christening Eve as her Mother was calling it. She had a little crown on the child her. Her grandmother getting her hair doen kept saying 'She doesn't like it, take it off' but the child was as placid and her Mother was delighted dressing her up.
Caroline said she one of her staff, Edel, would have the child dressed up the same. Her own Mother used to put glitter on her and Caroline used be mortified walking through town babysitting her. she landed into work with a luminous badge and a crown the day of her birthday.
One of the other staff has a phobia of plasters (bandaids) . Yes it's a thing-

Pittakionophobia is the fear of stickers or sticky things.They make her retch. Caroline had to give the day hiding her bandaged thumb from her.Never heard of that but oddly had heard of , but not known the name for, fear of ketchup 'Mortuusequusphobia'. Some useless facts from me today. You can thank me if they come up in a table quiz.

Guilt

I've a horrible sense of guilt creeping in . From things that happened along time ago , that I shoved down deep so I din't have to feel anything. Guilt at some of the relief I felt when certain things happened. Guilt at ghosting friends because I felt I had become too boring , self absorbed. Of avoiding people because I couldn't face the 'What are you doing with yourself now?' conversation.Because at the moment I can't force myself enthusiastic about what I am actually doing.It stretches back. I've had part time jobs from from about 12 or 14 in several places.this continued until I was  about 20 . I had my baby ,broke up with her dad, moved home for a bit ,then later on worked a mix of hours until I had to take some time off . I lived off my savings and applied for a job that turned out to be a CE scheme in an Art Gallery. I liked it and the people . I was off agin for some time after before getting another CE job in  a Community Centre. In between I worked part time in my friends creche , housecleaning did charity tug of wars and Seine boat races, fundraised for a local comunity centre, local school, my daughters football club. . Worked in the same Glasshouses my Dad worked in.Popping to the vets for supplies, dry cleaners, faxed animal movement certs, been the parent to stay for football training, in the dressing room. the school raffle.But people who have full time full jobs often seem to manage to be able to do these things too. If your not working either in a defined full time or part time job people don't seem to rate it. Or if it's not seen as a 'good' job.That can be be undermining too if you're feeling underconfident  and you try out for one of these 'unskilled' jobs( thats what they are referred to as in surveys) and you (a) don't get or (b) get it and have people make condesending remarks about it. I've had it a little about the Glasshouse as I was mostly potting plants. It wasn't too difficult-I did feel stiff after the day but the people were nice and it passed really fast.The commute is short, about 4 mins drive from home no traffic, I can re gig the hours to suit myself and its only for a few hours at a time. It's probably good for my mental health too as I'm physically moving. I spend too much time inside my head so this is  a change from more sendentary jobs I've done. It's interesting to see how some work is viewed as career and other work as a job.

Life and death

"Society does not need more children; but it does need more loved children'

 Is the first line of a quote by Garrett Hardin. I had never heard it before . It's an uncomfortable truth . We do not like to think about these children ,the homeless , the abused ,the neglected, the starving.Or if we do we prefer if they to think fo them in another country far away . When I was a kid I wanted to give all my Communion money to Concern. I think I was left give half. As an adult I have donated to Focus Ireland and done the shoeboxes with my daughters school but it's just a drop in the ocean. Its a kind thing to do but I'm not standing in front of these people helping them or adopting the orphans. I'm detached from this fact that there are children in this world who are unwanted. That there children that their parents actually can not afford to feed so they would rather abandon the child hoping it will be found by someone who can care for her  rather than watch her die . The thought of not being able to provide for my daughter is heartbreaking . It 's happening in our own country never mind the Third World. I was reading an article about single Mothers taking their own lives as they felt pushed to their limits , that they couldn't manage on welfare they were receiving or couldn't afford childcare  or bills even though they were working.Its frightening considering we are suppose to be living in a First World country.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 The rest of the quote goes 'Quite literally, we cannot afford unloved children – but we pay heavily for them every day. There should not be the slightest communal concern when a woman elects to destroy the life of her thousandth-of-an-ounce embryo. But all society should rise up in alarm when it hears that a baby that is not wanted is about to be born' .It sounds quite harsh. As do some of his other beliefs -he believed in Eugenics through forced sterilization and he that we shouldn't send food aid to Ethiopa to alleviate the famine as we would be encouraging population. He also held, to me anyway, worrying views relating to race and intelligence. 

He suffered from complications due to childhood polio and his wife Jane  developed Motor Neurones disease.My Father had this too but died in his sixties. Garret and Jane took their own live when they were in their eighties and their health  had degenerated. They were members of The Hemlock Society( later The End of Life choices society). There four children semed to accept that their parents had done what they wanted to do. This is interesting as we are now living longer which is great if you have a good quality of life but if not? Is is a very controversial view to suggest the option of ending ones one life if you feel its not worth living anymore. Who gets to decide this and if the person is mentally capable of deciding but not physically capable of doing it without assistance? . Its easy to think of it hypothetically but what would you really do if you were in this situation. I'm can't say what I would do, I think if I had a terminal illness and was in pain I would say yes, off to Dignitas with me  but would I go through with it or would the will to live keep me going until the inevitable end. Would I feel guiltier about leaving my family or for fact they would have to care for me and what the inevitable unfold slowly? I don't know, these are uncomfortable aspects of life that we hope we will never have to deal with. Not for everyone mind but as our population is living longer , for more of us