Guilt

I've a horrible sense of guilt creeping in . From things that happened along time ago , that I shoved down deep so I din't have to feel anything. Guilt at some of the relief I felt when certain things happened. Guilt at ghosting friends because I felt I had become too boring , self absorbed. Of avoiding people because I couldn't face the 'What are you doing with yourself now?' conversation.Because at the moment I can't force myself enthusiastic about what I am actually doing.It stretches back. I've had part time jobs from from about 12 or 14 in several places.this continued until I was  about 20 . I had my baby ,broke up with her dad, moved home for a bit ,then later on worked a mix of hours until I had to take some time off . I lived off my savings and applied for a job that turned out to be a CE scheme in an Art Gallery. I liked it and the people . I was off agin for some time after before getting another CE job in  a Community Centre. In between I worked part time in my friends creche , housecleaning did charity tug of wars and Seine boat races, fundraised for a local comunity centre, local school, my daughters football club. . Worked in the same Glasshouses my Dad worked in.Popping to the vets for supplies, dry cleaners, faxed animal movement certs, been the parent to stay for football training, in the dressing room. the school raffle.But people who have full time full jobs often seem to manage to be able to do these things too. If your not working either in a defined full time or part time job people don't seem to rate it. Or if it's not seen as a 'good' job.That can be be undermining too if you're feeling underconfident  and you try out for one of these 'unskilled' jobs( thats what they are referred to as in surveys) and you (a) don't get or (b) get it and have people make condesending remarks about it. I've had it a little about the Glasshouse as I was mostly potting plants. It wasn't too difficult-I did feel stiff after the day but the people were nice and it passed really fast.The commute is short, about 4 mins drive from home no traffic, I can re gig the hours to suit myself and its only for a few hours at a time. It's probably good for my mental health too as I'm physically moving. I spend too much time inside my head so this is  a change from more sendentary jobs I've done. It's interesting to see how some work is viewed as career and other work as a job.